Motivation Monday: Baring My Soul

You may remember that a few months ago I posted a 'confession', if you like, about my history with eating disorders. Think of this post as an update and insight into a world of eating disorders because for many, they don't just disappear when you decide to begin eating again or stop purging. 


I'll mention now that the pun is indeed intended in the title for reasons you will find out about if you read on hehe!


I'm writing to shine a light on a condition that many that have suffered with eating disorders in the past go on to fight. However Body Dysmorphic Disorder, or BDD, is not nearly as well known as anorexia or bulimia. People with BDD find themselves extremely concerned with body image and often become fixated my "imperfections"; be it hair, skin or weight. 

Remembering moments of triumph

For me it's my weight and my skin. With the help of my counsellor we've realised that I am, like so many others, suffering with BBD. It's so subtle that I thought my behaviour was normal; but that's just it. It's a mental illness. Anxiety, obsessive behaviour and compulsion is something that I have to deal with every day. 


With my skin I can stand in front of a mirror and pick, pop and squeeze at non-existent imperfections on my face, arms legs and more for half an hour. I've done it bathrooms, changing rooms, college. It's made me late for things but it's obsessive, like I said. I find myself 'snapping out of it' and thinking "what are you doing? How have you spent so long doing this?". 

With weight I see myself in a constant struggle. More often than not I see myself failing to recognise my achievements up to now and focus only on the future; a future that I often see destined to spend overweight and unhappy. I find myself looking in the mirror for a long time finding flaws and things to work on (hence the name of the post)

Still the aim

Some mornings I wake up and I feel great; I feel so happy and ready to face the day and then there are other mornings where I don't even want to get out of bed. It's an ongoing struggle. I'm having a constant battle in my mind and sometimes, it's exhausting. It's almost like I have two personalities.


I'm living proof that things get better. I've beaten Anorexia and bulimia and I'm going to add Body Dysmorphia to the list too. I use it as motivation. Whenever I feel like things are about to come crashing down and I'm going to give up all I have to do is look online at what my trainers have been up to or check in with my team and I'm hit with a wave of inspiration and motivation. I don't give up and I push myself to get better every single day to prove to myself that I can do it. I enjoy fitness. I enjoy challenging myself. I work out because I love to not because I have to.


BDD is just a bump in the road. It's not going to beat me, nor does it define me. 

Smiling makes everything better

I'm stronger than I think. One side of my personality sees how weak the other side is but is not quite sure how to strengthen it yet. I'll get there. I know I will...it's just a matter of time.


I see myself as a pretty open book and I have no issue sharing this with you, my loyal friends and followers, so please if you have any questions ask; I will always answer. 




Share, Love, Inspire, Sweat